End The Cycle
First off, I apologize for not writing more. In talking with my friend Sheryl (who’s an AWESOME blogger in her own right), she reminded me that I just got to keep writing without worrying about whether or not it’ll be perfect. To my millions of PYP fans (haha!), trust me I have had many ideas blog running through my head but I’ve never taken the time to organize it into a coherent string of thoughts that I could post. Most likely because I’ve been more preoccupied with my work, but also because of my reluctance to make posts that lack quality and have people wondering, “Why did I just waste 10 minutes of my life reading this?” Hence, I will try to reduce my perfectionistic ways and get more of my own content on this Tumblr thingamagig!
Anyways, since everyone and their mommas have been changing their Facebook profile pics to cartoons of their childhood, I really want people to hone in on such an important topic happening in our world: child abuse. When many people think of child abuse, they automatically assume that involves physically hitting a child without recognizing the psychological and emotional abuse that happens every day. Physical abuse is basically the manifestation of one’s rage towards another person, which is rooted in a destructive mindset. Physical wounds heal; but mental wounds sometimes last for a lifetime and gets perpetuated to further generations unless the cycle is recognized and stopped.
To give you an update on what I’m currently doing, for the past few months I have been working part time as a Project Success Support Specialist for a middle school and a High School Freshman Basketball Coach. In being placed in the role of an authority figure over the students I work with on a daily basis, I have come to realize how easy it is for educators to abuse the power they have when working with children.
With the coaching profession especially, it is so easy to punish your kids by having them do extra running based on the fact that you’re simply just in a bad mood; fed up with work, fights with your significant other, etc. It is easy to put overwhelming pressure on your kids to perform in games to the point where they’re no longer playing to develop their talents in the sport they love, but to simply please their demanding coach. It is easy to blame your players for their incompetence and their lack of effort to mask insecurities of your own incompetence as a coach. The scary part is that many well intentioned coaches are blinded by their abuse and feel that they’re doing what’s best for their players, when all they’re really doing is developing low self esteem with children that feel that no matter what they do they will not live up to their coaches expectations. Those who internalize this mentality manifest it through destructive behaviors they commit towards themselves or others. Violence of staggering degrees is a result.
When I coach my kids, I am very careful with how I speak to them because I know the implications my words will have on their mindset. To give you a profile of my team, they are very undersized (with my starting center only 2 inches taller than me!) but they’re very intelligent and self motivated. Our school is small and primarily known for its academics (our sports program received a state wide award for having the highest GPA amongst its players at 3.85) so sports isn’t as much of a priority as it is in other schools. So there have been several instances where we’ve been blown out by teams not necessarily because they’re more skilled, but simply because they were much bigger and quicker than us. Now losing to teams by 40+ points is psychologically damaging in itself, but I believe that the most important part of these games is what coaches tell their players afterwards. The end of these games are where the lifelong teaching moments occur, as it is the coach that frames his players’ perceptions of how the game went. Here can be one assessment:
42 points, guys? Are you serious? How many times do I have to tell you to box out! Are you deaf? You guys made yourselves look silly out there, and you made me look silly too. We didn’t play defense, we didn’t run our offense, and we did play aggressively enough. We basically didn’t do anything right. You should be ashamed of yourselves. Starters, if you’re not doing your job I’m just gonna pull you out and have my bench play the whole time. This is ridiculous. You’re an embarrassment not only to your school but to your parents that watch you play. You better be ready on Monday because we’ll be running all practice. I’m sick of this effort.
Here’s how my post-game talk usually goes:
OK fellas, how did we lose? (Players respond collectively “not boxing out”) Yeah you’re right we have to box out better, but that will come with time. What concerns me though is our lack of intensity on defense. We played well during the first half, but we folded the rest of the game. We were playing defense standing up and not pressuring the ball. Like I always tell you guys, I don’t care about the scoreboard. All I expect from you is to stay focused and compete each minute of the game. Trust me… It might not show right now, but we’ve come a long way since our first tournament a couple weeks ago. If we played right now how we played in that first tournament, we probably wouldn’t have been able to score a single point. I saw a lot of positives though; good job taking that charge that one play, and good job on attempting to take the charge. The reason why I’m pushing you guys is because I believe in our potential as a team and we’ll only get better in time. We’re a good team but we have to believe in ourselves. And just to let you know, I’m still learning as a coach as well, and it is my job to make sure that you’re prepared when you step out on that court. I’m going to work that much harder to make sure that you’re effectively prepared. But as a coach I can only do so much. It is up to you to make sure that you work just as hard or even harder to become a better team. Really reflect on what you can do better the next time around so you don’t keep making the same mistakes, and then move on. Playing these quality teams are good because they expose our weaknesses and let us know what we need to work on. Now let’s keep our head up and stay focused during practice.
Now I’m not saying that my way is the ideal way to speak to your players. This is only my first year as a coach so I’m still learning as I go along; I have the tendency to get long winded and I’m pretty sure my kids get sick of my voice at times. =P However, I do have tons experience over the years interacting with youth to help them achieve their potential. I try to balance constructive criticism with praise, and point out specific areas where they need improvement as opposed to vaguely saying, “be more aggressive” or “work harder.” As much as I continue to stress their continual development, I also try to help them realize that it’s just a game. There’s no need to ruminate about their mistakes to the point where it becomes counterproductive and ruins their day.
How many of you can relate to the condescending, oppressive, demanding coach? What about the condescending, oppressive, and demanding parent, friend, or significant other? The ones who are quick to point out all your mistakes like they themselves are perfect? How has this oppression shaped the way you interact with others on a daily basis? Are you being oppressive yourself without even noticing it? Do you blindly continue the cycle of mental abuse?
I challenge you to examine the way you interact with those around you. It’s OK to provide constructive criticism from time to time, but it’s even more important to stress what they’re doing right and how much you appreciate them for it. Don’t save you’re kind words for people you love for their eulogy. Kanye West said it best, “If you admire someone you should go ‘head and tell em’, people never get the flowers while they can still smell ‘em.” And even with your family and close friends, who are they to pick apart your mistakes anyways? To make a biblical reference, “Let him who is without sin cast the first stone.”
As educators and parents especially, with great power comes great responsibility. You make a huge impact on how they see themselves now and when they become adults. Do your part in ending the vicious cycle of child abuse.
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sheryl-ann said:
such an important & relevant topic! definitely something i have thought about a lot lately in my internship site and at my job. keep writing! i loved it! (and not just because you mentioned me. haha!)
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rizzapyp posted this
